


Where You Lead, I'll Follow

by dornfelder



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 20:39:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14655771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dornfelder/pseuds/dornfelder
Summary: They blend together in Shepard's mind, worlds and suns and mountainscapes, gravel and dust under the mako's wheels. Endless days driving through extreme cold, heat, radiation.





	Where You Lead, I'll Follow

It's a planet like any other. They blend together in Shepard's mind, worlds and suns and mountainscapes, gravel and dust under the mako's wheels. Endless days driving through extreme cold, heat, radiation. They are somewhere or other, cleaning out secret bases and hideouts, salavging ancient pieces of technology that take up space in their hold. 

This misssion doesn't stand out in any way – unremarkable, just another one in a long line of uninhabited planets lost in space, orbiting a white-blueish sun.

The old mining outpost is deserted, although it has clearly been used by smugglers or pirates not too long ago. Their unknown allies have deposited information about Saren's activities there, which can, for once, be retrieved without bloodshed – no shots fired.

The Mako is parked in the valley below. As they leave through an emergency exit at the top of the mointain, Shepard stares down, trying to guess at the distance – three miles, give or take? The wall is steep and ragged, not much of a footpath, if any. It will be easier to go back the way they came, through the maze within the mountain, a system of elevators, platforms and tunnels that traverse the entire massif. The outpost's energy runs low, meaning life support but no transport - the way up to the top took them three hours only because Kaidan managed to locate an old generator they could use to power some of the old conveyors.

Shepard takes a deep breath, then contacts the Normandy. "Shepard here. We have what we came here for, but it'll be a while before we make it back."

"No hurry, Commander," Joker says. "The only thing you'll be missing out on is Peterson's birthday party. The cupcakes will keep." 

"Right," Shepard says. He stares down at the mako, down at the barely discernible structure at the base of the mountain where the outpost's main gate is hidden. Sunset is already upon them, darkness falling fast. 

"Commander?" Kaidan says. "Which way are we heading?"

"Back through the mountain, I guess." 

Garrus, at his right, nods. "Lead the way."

He's said the same thing a dozen times before, on a thousand different worlds with a thousand different suns. Shepard's heard it too many times to count. For some reason, for no reason at all, maybe just _because_ , a wave of exhaustion hits him upon hearing it, nearly sending him staggering – hits him so unexpected that his knees buckle. He can do nothing, can't move, can't lift his hands, the gun hanging useslessly at his side.

"Commander?" Kaidan says,and Shepard shakes his head, numb, stares at the horizon. 

The sun might be gone, but this day – any day, _every_ day – is never going to end. 

He doesn't know how long it takes until Kaidan's worried questions break the spell – he's lost minutes, hours, feels like, and still he's standing at the top of the mountain. He knows exactly where he is, knows exactly where he needs to go, and he is unable to take a single step.

 _Lead the way_ echoes in his ears.

"Commander", Kaidan says, a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. "Commander, we have to go. It's a long way down, and –" 

There has to something in his face, Shepard realizes, because suddenly Kaidan's eyes widen and he cuts himself off. 

"Sure", Shepard says. "In a minute." It's what he means to say, anyway, he doesn't know if it comes out the way he intended, reassuring, steady. Probably not. It's like there's some sort of fog around him, thick and dampening. He's vaguely aware that Kaidan murmurs something, addressing Garrus, and Garrus nods and re-enters the base through the door – any door, _every_ door – and then Kaidan says, softly, "Let's go, Commander, just follow me," and that – that's something Shepard can do. 

Kaidan's hand on his arm, steering him along. Through a dark corridor, down a ladder, every step ringning, reinforced boots on metal. Further down, through a control room that's familiar – did they disable a transmitter here, earlier? Did they cut off the power to a fusion torch? Did they …? No, there was something else, intel of some sort, wasn't it? Down a ramp, through a gate Kaidan has to short-circuit to make it slide open. Darkness, again, an endless walk or maybe just a couple of steps. It's impossible to tell.

"Do you –" Kaidan hesitates. Shepard stares at him blankly. "How about -" 

Kaidan exchanges a gaze with Garrus. Shepards thinks he should probably care more about that than he does, but instead he waits, closes his eyes as the silence stretches, hears the steady dripping of water somewhere down the tunnel. 

"Whoa, there," Kaidan says, close to his ears, and Shepard sways toward him, unsteady on his feet until Kaidan sudenly slings an arm around him. 

"Okay," Garrus says. His voice comes from far away even though he's in touching distance – or so it seems, Shepard doesn't know. He just doesn't know. "A little further, turn right - sleeping quarters – we need to figure out what's going on here …" The rest, some murmured comments, is lost to the void.

Kaidan leads him, keeping one hand on his shoulder. Shepard walks beside him, docile. Numb.

Then they are inside a small room with bunk beds on both sides. Kaidan tells him to sit dow, and Shepard does. Garrus and Kaidan are talking at the door, whispering.

"… back to the ship in this state?"

"… back to Dr. Chakwas –"

"… not the best idea. He's just – listen, why don't you go and tell Joker to give us a little more time. I'll take care of him."

Garrus says something in return, something about exuses and credibility, then leaves, and Shepard stares into the darkness he leaves behind, in a metal-enclosed walkway, any walkway, every walkway. He hears Kaidan sigh. And then Kaidan crouches down in front of him. "Are you all right?"

Shepard stares into Kaidan's eyes – brown, golden, October sun on fallen leaves. He really has to pull himself together, he needs to … 

"Hey," Kaidan says. "Can you tell me what's going on?" 

He tries to make himself speak. "I -"

And that's all that comes out.

"Okay," Kaidan says after a moment. "I'm not sure what happened to trigger this, though I do have an idea. Listen, Commander –" Shepard flinches. "Right," Kaidan says. "Sorry. Listen, Shep- _John_." Shepard takes a deep breath. "I need to know whether we neet to get you back to the ship. No problem, really – only somehow, I get the impression that you maybe … need a break. So I guess we can stay here for a while, take a moment – breathe a little."

Kaidan stares at Shepard. Whatever he sees makes him shrug. He rises from the floor, starts to losen the straps of his backpack and takes off his gear. "You know, I always wondered when you were due for a little freak-out," he says, informal, as if it's poker night at the casino. "I had mine a while ago. That night after we fought the Thresher Maw on – where was it? – I don't remember." Kaidan screws the lid off his canteen. "It's all a bit of a blur. Artemis Tau, I think. Edna, Errol –"

"Edolus."

Kaidan looks up at him, pauses, then takes a large swallow. "Yeah." He offers his canteen to Shepard.

Shepard takes it. Stares at it. 

"Drink," Kaidan prompts, gently.

Shepard obeys, thinks he should have taken his own, it's one of those health care regluations. Never share your canteen unless you absolutely have to. He returns it to Kaidan, who wordlessly screws it shut and sets it aside. 

"I had nightmares for weeks," he says, not meeting Shepard's gaze. "Silly, I know. We had fights that were far worse. Fights where we lost people, fights where we came a lot closer to dying … It makes no sense to be afraid of a mindless beast, does it?"

Thresher Maws _are_ pretty terryfying, and Shepard says so, earning himself a smile. 

"Yeah, I'd say so." Kaidan rises to his feet. "If that's okay, I thought we might stay here for a while – rest for a couple of hours. I've been awake for eighteen hours. If I should make an educated guess, I'd say it's been even longer for you."

Kaidan wouldn't be wrong.

"We should get back to the mako," Shepard says, a token protest. 

"We should," Kaidan agrees. "At some point."

"This place isn't safe."

"As safe as any. Joker will let us know if something comes up – and I think, frankly, you should take a minute to rest. Once we're back on board, there'll be mission reports, and decoding this newly acquired top-secret intel, and messages from the Alliance – they'll send us to yet another star system to follow another lead or just clean up one of their messes."

"I know."

"The crew thinks that a holiday is overdue. All of them – us – have been thinking it. But we don't want to disappoint our commander. All of us know we're on an important mission. That the galaxy depends on us to find out what Saren is up to and stop him. But we also know that -" Kaidan cuts himself off, but there's clearly something he want to say, so Shepard looks up to meet his gaze. "That our commander is the first human spectre," Kaidan says, almost a whisper. "That we can't possibly let him down." 

"Jesus," Shepard says. " _Fuck_."

"Yeah." Kaidan still holds his gaze. "When was the last time you spent a couple of hours _not_ thinking of the mission?"

Shepard shakes his head. "If the crew needs a break, then –"

"The crew? I'd say, our commander needs it most of all."

"Oh, come on, Kaidan –"

"Oh, come on, _John._ " 

Shepard blinks. Since when is sarcasm one of the tools in Kaidan's kit? Some sort of upgrade that Shepard has missed?

"What I'm saying," Kaidan says, "is that you should take a break, right here, at this very moment, because for you, _now is not the time_ has turned into _never, ever_. That isn't healthy, and you know it."

"Take a break", Shepard repeats, incredulous. "How am I – we're on unknown territory, in a goddamn mining outpost inside a mountain that –"

"Stop. Just stop." Kaidan glares at him.

Shepard glares back, thinks he understands what Kaidan really means, but the thought is so foreign it almost makes him panic. "I don't know how," he admits, finally. Grudgingly. Because Kaidan is right. 

Kaidan smiles. "You could start by taking off your gear. Strap down, Commander, then _strip_ down. Want any help?"

"Guess I'll manage that much on my own," Shepard says, a little dryly.

Kaidan turns away, fiddling with his helmet and armor. "Glad to hear it."

Shepard takes a deep breath, then takes off his backpack. His helmet. Runs a hand over his head. His hair is getting too long, he'll have to shave it again soon. Looking around, he finds an old locker, mostly intact if a little rusty, and gets up with the intention to put his gear away.

"Let me," Kaidan says, at his side all of a sudden, and takes his stuff from him before Shepard can voice a protest. Something is seriously wrong with him – it should be impossible for someone, anyone, to get this close to him without prompting an immediate reaction. But then, it's Kaidan, who's been at his side for so long that he no longer triggers his fight-or-flight response.

Kaidan stores their equipment, then turns toward him. After a brief moment of hesitation – already reaching out, fingers twitching with momentary indecision – he starts opening the straps of Shepard's Mercenary Suit while Shepard just stands there, letting it happen as if it's happening to someone else. 

He's probably more tired than he realized.

"Lay down," Kaidan says to him, softly. Shepard obeys. He sits back down on the bunk, reluctantly takes off his boots. From somewhere, Kaidan appears to spread a musty-smelling blanket over him, some kind of organic fabric. Its weight feels far heavier than it should.

It's almost as if Kaidan has put a spell on him, as if his biotics have turned into some sort of magic that propels Shepard's body into following his unspoken command. "Watch," Shepard forces out, one last act of resistance, and then Kaidan overcomes it easily by crouching down right next to him and putting one hand on his shoulder. "Sleep, John. I'll watch over you."

~~~~~

When Shepard wakes, he has no idea how much time has passed. Garrus is snoring on a nearby bunk bed, his back to the room. Kaidan patrols the corridor, to and fro, a silent figure in the dark.

Shepard reaches for the canteen that is standing beside the bed and drinks a little water. Not too much: never deplete your resources unless you absolutely have to. He's hungry – he can't remember the last time actually he had an appetite for anything, but right now, he imagines roasted chicken and freshly baked bread and his stomach growls. Kaidan has put an energy bar beside the canteen, and Shepard reluctantly unwraps and eats it, propped up on his elbow. He wants pancakes, dripping with maple sirup. A steaming mug of coffee. 

"Hey," Kaidan says, from the corridor, then enters the room. 

Shepard swallows around a chunk of glued-together fat and protein. "How long?" 

"Couple of hours." Kaidan shrug. "Don't worry about it." 

"We need to get going." 

"Not right now, we don't. Garrus and I took turns keeping watch. He's only been asleep for an hour; we should wait at least another two before we wake him."

"How long?" Shepard asks again. If they bothered to take turns, it must have been more than three or four hours. 

Kaidan sighs. "Eight hours."

" _Eight_ – you've got to be kidding me. You've been waiting and keeping watch for _eight hours_? What am I, Sleeping Beauty?"

"Shh." Kaidan tilts his head at Garrus while Shepard glares at him. "Does it really matter?"

Shepard holds back a groan. There is no use in getting upset now, after the fact. Damage control is the only thing left to do. He sighs and throws off his blanket. "What did you tell the Normandy?"

"Not a lot, actually, just that we decided not to make the climb back because we were all pretty beat. Which is nothing but the truth, by the way." 

Shepard swings his legs to the floor. Rubs his face. "Fine." 

"You can sleep a little longer, if you want."

"No, thanks," Shepard says and gets up.

 _Leaden_ is probably a good way to describe his first couple of steps. Under Kaidan's disapproving gaze, Shepard puts his armor back on, his boots, checks his equipment, just to have something to do while he re-adjusts to being awake and functional. At some point, Kaidan leaves. Shepard follows him into the control room a couple of minutes later. There's a big window that offers a view of the sunrise outside, blinding white sun in a cloudless, lavender sky. 

"Beuatiful," Kaidan says, coming to stand beside him. Shepard stares at the distance, unseeing, then turns his head to look at the man beside him. Kaidan meets his gaze, attentive and somber.

"Thank you," Shepard says. Not out of obligation, though if there's ever been a case where gratitue was in order, this is it. "I can't remember the last time I slept for more than four or five hours."

"You need to take better care of yourself," Kaidan says. "If I were a psychologist, I'd say that shore leave is definitely in order – somewhere on a world with plenty of sunshine, trees, beaches." 

"I guess," Shepard says.

Kaidan laughs. "Only you would treat a holiday like an inconvenience." He falls silent. They keep watching the sunset. Shepard thinks of nothing, nothing at all, but then Kaidan's finger brush his where they rest on the windowframe, on the cool, slightly fogged glass. The touch could be accidental. Could be, but isn't; Shepard turns his head and finds it confirmed when Kaidan is much closer than he thought, looking at him like Shepard is the radiant sun he orbits. 

It's more than Shepard can take. "You -" he starts, tries again when he fails. "Kaidan, you can't –"

Kaidan looks at him. 

Not backing down, not moving forward. Waiting. 

It's easy, in that instant, to follow his instict. Shepard keans in until he feels Kaidan's breath on his face. It's easy to close his eyes, block out the brilliant sunlight and kiss Kaidan for the first time, learn the taste of him, the soft noise he makes in his the back of his throat. _Oh,_ Shepard thinks, and then he doesn't think at all, looses himself in a kiss that tastes like protein bar and a little bit like home on a foreign world. 

"There is another sleeping room right beside the one we used last night," Kaidan says, a while later. "Do you think –"

A thousand reasons to say no; a thousand excuses. This day. Any day. _Every_ day.

"Good idea," Shepard says hoarsely. "Lead the way."


End file.
